Dealing with loss is hard; it’s intensely personal, and it sucks. And yet, going through it is the only way to get through it. After losing my Dad recently, I realized how different feelings can cluster up together at one time.

Whilst in the pain of losing the man I always looked up to and sought approval from my entire life, I also felt relief (that he was not suffering anymore), sadness (about his parting), fear (at how my Mom would suffer), joy (at how my family came together), love (at how my husband supported me and gave me space at the same time), and the most intense gratitude (for having had such a great Dad in my life).

It reminded me of other times in my life when I have experienced competing feelings. In so many of them I have felt happiness and sadness together, or pride and fear, or love and anger. It’s proof that the heart is a complex organ. It allows for so much to fit at once that it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Grief is a penetrating feeling, deep at times, and subtle in others. Many describe it as coming in waves, as it can surprise you in moments you think you are fine while also showing you your own strength when in the midst of hard times.

Losing my Dad has been quite different from other losses in my life. Personal and professional wounds have paled in comparison. It has affected all of me, my identity, my courage, my relationships, my work and my faith. I have found myself lost and immobile, unable to concentrate or do things that usually come naturally, distant from the people I love, disinterested in my professional responsibilities, and fearful of my feelings.

And yet, it also has been positive. I have received so much love from family, friends and even strangers, felt so much gratitude for my father and a deeper to connection than ever to my mother and siblings, and also been lucky to have a husband that knows me so well that he has tiptoed around me when he needed to and held me strongly when I needed him.

Everyone knows grief is a process, but one with a beginning and no end. It is like a scar in your heart and spirit, which you must build new tissue around. The loss will always be there, but other feelings will surround it to allow you to go forward with your old self and a new strength. Like other forks in the road of life, with grief you can falter, you can find ways to go one – alone and through others, and you work hard to get to the other side of it. You must do it yourself, yet you don’t need to do it alone.